Well I think I’m actually beginning to really move into “the working phase” of life. Usually when I write, my process goes like this: I think about what’s going on, what I’ve been mulling over, what’s come full-circle or at least will make sense and not misrepresent the Lord, and I just talk about what’s in my heart. Very often I don’t plan what to write. I mean I give thought to it, and screen out certain things, but I don’t have a scheduled list for my personal blog.
Lately, I just haven’t felt like I’ve had anything new to share that isn’t about brand representation and social media (which I’m sure y’all don’t want to hear about). Normally, I’d just not post and not think about it, but for some reason I’ve felt like I needed to post something new. At least something.
So where am I at in life? Working away the days, really. Mind you it’s just an internship, but I really like what I’m doing. Like I said last week, my dreams when I’m asleep at night have switched from being really imaginative to being really practical and making about zero sense. It’s like in Divergent when Tris hops on the train in the very beginning… I did that about a month ago, and haven’t stopped thinking about PR stuff. It’s been fun having something to work for, especially since I love the “cause” that I’m working for.
Other than that, there’s really not much else going on aside from just watching where Jesus is leading me. Honestly, that’s action enough for me. I waited in stillness for so long, that I have absolutely no complaints about anything. Be sure to note that, okay? You’ll see why in a bit here. NO COMPLAINTS. ALL PRAISES.
But I’ve gotten pretty used to the 2 hours of alone time that I have in the car. I-20/59 is a busy and crazy commute, so it’s not quite as calm as one would imagine, but during the boring parts of the drive, I pray, and my mind wonders, and I pray.
If y’all ever knew about everything that runs through my mind, it probably wouldn’t make sense to you. My brain never stops. It never turns off. But I’m still a 24-year old girl, so the other day the thought of marriage came across my mind…. Calling all da single ladiesssss. (And married, too.)
I’ve never really talked much about this before, but it is a popular topic. And it’s important too. So let me just give y’all a run-down on that area. (FYI- this is me going out on a limb, cause I like to keep my heart cozy and hidden away, and hardly anyone is allowed to know anything.. so I will discuss without revealing too much).
The other night I was watching The Bachelor, and Whiney Whitney said something about “I’m ready for him to put a ring on my finger”. When she said finger, I thought “finger- chicken fingers- yum”. And I was still full from dinner. So that should give a glimpse on where I am about marriage. I see people get engaged and I’m no longer surprised. I’ve been in 3 weddings in the past 2 years (and loved every minute of it), but I can’t even fathom changing my last name. Sharing a home with someone that isn’t my blood relative, and fostering a Godly marriage by “being willing to be uncomfortable in order to work things out” sounds beautiful, but trying to picture myself doing that at this point in my life is like something out of the Twilight Zone.
It’s strange, because I’d love to be married. I don’t want to say that I’m not mature and ready for that yet, because that will denote the absolute WRONG connotation. (By no means do I love ‘jUst BeInG sInGlE, GoInG oUt On ThE wEeKeNd’… That’s so not it. I mean right now I run, paint, and hang out out with my family on the weekends and I’m so very content).
I’m settled and mature, but I’m not “looking”. I’m completely over dating for the sake of dating. I don’t want a “boyfriend”, I want a companion. I’ve adopted the mentality of “I don’t want to be married, unless the Lord wants me married.” For now, I’m pursuing a relationship with Jesus, and unless a romantic relationship is actually bringing me closer to Jesus then I don’t want anything to do with it. So guys, get your hearts right if you want me! Haha, I’m totally kidding. You can’t pursue Jesus in order to get to me. But it won’t hurt you to just love Him cause He loves you back.
I get so sick of the trash that Elite Daily publishes about dating, and really anything else secular. But some of these Christian articles are dinkey, too. You can be raw about your feelings, and still have Jesus at the center of it, and that’s what I’m figuring out.
Some days, I feel like I’ll be the last person to get married, if ever, and that’s never a good feeling. It just seems like it’ll take forever. I’d love to have a family and still be somewhat young so I can keep up with babies and toddlers, and not be the oldest mom at my son or daughter’s graduation. However, more than that I want to glorify Jesus, and I know He has everything under control. But until the day comes, I’m here because the Lord delights in me and He wants me around. I live for Him.
On most days, I think about who I’d actually like to marry and then resort to the conclusion that the likability of that individual existing is slim to none. Before you start thinking about “oh she believes there’s just one person for her to marry, blah blah blah”, SLOW YOUR ROLL. That’s a debate that’s about God’s plan for our lives, and I don’t think that any of us can comprehend that so I think that debate needs to end everywhere, now. But here’s why I think that: after my last relationship, the Spirit literally picked my heart up and put it in a different place. He’s been revealing more to me about my heart ever since. The entire story to that is long, and too personal for here, but one thing that the Lord really impressed upon me was that I do need to set a high standard for the man I marry. And it is HIGH. But coupled with that, the Lord created me, and one of the things that He created is my narrow margin of who I’m actually attracted to. And I’m unabashedly embracing it. Note that attraction does not necessarily just mean physical attraction, but it means an attraction to their heart. I know I sound like an icy-hearted witch, but in the past, I haven’t always dated with that in mind quite as much because I just figured it wasn’t as important. But now that I’m at this point and age in life, it’s important. And heck, God created it and He has validated it, so I’m gonna roll with it. Now, I know this sounds like me saying “good luck guys with being able to date me”. I’m absolutely not doing that. The Spirit will move my heart when and where and for whom I need to be moved. But that time hasn’t quite come yet. So my standards are staying put.
Everyday, I’m surrounded by people that are getting married. I’m interning for a bridal gown designer. I’m literally around the whole marriage thing every SINGLE day. (No pun intended). It doesn’t mean that everyone who is getting married is any more or any less than me or vice-versa. It simply means they are at different points in their lives than me. That’s it. So even though it’s constant, it’s not negative. It’s just another chance to dream about what that might be like one day. There’s no reason for it to bother me.
Lately, my heart just seems like there’s a corner of it that’s in a tiny tug-of-war. I couldn’t be more peaceful and joyful about where my life is right now because I know I’m exactly in the center of Jesus’ heart. And quite frankly, I want to remain there, so I’m trying not to do anything that will push the Spirit out of my day-to-day. But then I get a tiny tug in my heart that’s like it misses my companion, and then I go, “well he isn’t here, but Jesus is”. And that’s what’s most important.
Truthfully, I don’t know how or why this would interest anyone. But my sister and I seem to talk about it a lot. We feel differently but the same about some things. And then the other day, my aunt was at church and happened to say out loud that “my niece is totally not concerned dating anybody or marriage because she says she’s married to Jesus and that’s all she needs!” (which is true), and it was enough to catch the attention of dear sweet girl from far away. So I know I’m not the only one, and if I’m not then it’s worth discussing.
My attitude about this will be just like my attitude towards unemployment because the truth is, it’s a phase of life. I will wait patiently, not wishing I were somewhere else because this is where He is. And that being the case, I feel like it’s worth documenting. I feel compelled to write about it. So perhaps there will be more posts like this in the future, perhaps not. But for now, this is where the Spirit has lead me. As always, I hope this provides you with a way to connect with Jesus more today, and just remember, this isn’t my declaration against men or how to be single and hopeful for marriage. You listen to what He’s telling you.