Hello to whom ever may be reading this. I sincerely hope that you find what you are looking for here, whether it be entertainment, satisfaction of curiosity, camaraderie and so on.
I must confess this is my 3rd blog that I have started. You see, the first was a tumblr. I don’t repost things very often, because I enjoy writing too much so it didn’t satisfy its purpose for me. Second, was a blogger. I enjoyed having it, but after about a year of writing it became my medium on which to complain. No one should ever be subjected to that. So I trashed everything and created something new.
My full intention for this blog is to share with you my spiritual journey in a very organic form. This means that I’m not going to dress up how I feel about things, or create any facades to make you believe that I am holier than thou. No, none of that. Today’s society is poor in more forms than just that of the economy. While people my age and older are having trouble finding jobs and identifying true desires and dreams, they are also searching to fill the void that only Christ can fill, Christian or not (as it is a daily relationship that takes daily work). And whatever the uncertainty, people are looking to identify with others to know that they are not alone in their battle. In fact, I’ll confess to you right now that I have been doing the very same thing over the past month.
I have been talking about the uncertainties with my family and best friends, reading posts and tweets, and even searching other people’s blogs to see how their story is coming along and what they did when they had no inkling of God’s plan for their life. But I digress.
I’ll give you a short run down of where I am right now. First: where I’ve been. I grew up in Tuscaloosa, AL and have attended all 4 years of undergrad at The University of Alabama pursuing my two favorite things: public relations and political science. I’ve always wanted to leave, but I didn’t for college because (sarcastic tone) even before I took the gracious tours, applied to multiple places and sought out the right spot for me, (cease sarcastic tone) I knew where God wanted me: boring ole T-Town.
Well, I’m glad that despite my blasé attitude, the Lord kept me growing where I was planted. The past four years of my life have marked more joy, passion, hard work, tragedy, sorrow, grief, disappointment, surprise, relief, and peace than I ever knew my heart and soul could produce. And I believe that no matter how ungraceful I have been through it all, I am where He wants me. I’m choosing to maintain my faith in Him, and that’s just how it is. I’m declaring power in Christ.
Freshman year, first semester, I made numerous, wonderful friends. Every time I walked to class, I saw someone I knew. I was met with a myriad of opportunities to choose from, and I couldn’t wait to get involved. Dead honest, this was my list of goals: 1. Glorify the Lord, 2. Become a Capstone Woman, 3. Get VERY involved in student government, 4. Get into 31 (honors society), 5. Graduate with a 3.8 at least and go to law school. Funny how YOUR OWN plans work. They don’t.
Well if you know me, you also know only 2 of the things on that list became reality. They are the first 2 things listed. Second semester of freshman year my sweet littlest sister, Laura, died. (Link to her cause of death:http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/metachromatic_leukodystrophy/metachromatic_leukodystrophy.htm) Yes, we were close. Yes, I was devastated. Yes, the grieving process took an entire year. The grief overshadowed much of my sophomore year too, in fact. Minus being a part of Capstone Men and Women and getting to be tour guide, that year was filled with sadness and concluded with the April 27 tornado.
Granted, the Lord revealed himself to me through that process so graciously. For example, I used to be incredibly scared of death. But through that He showed me that He is control, eternity matters the most, He loves me and not to worry about it. But to get back on track… Junior year I worked extremely hard to get back up to where I wanted to be. I lost time and effort during my grief, and once it was over I pumped to achieve what else I possibly could.
It was fun, I learned a lot, but by the next April I realized that the rest of my list of goals weren’t going to be happening. As you could imagine, I was very disappointed, but decided to work on finding my true calling.
In an effort to go outside of my box, I applied to be a contestant in the Miss University of Alabama Pageant. Not because I’m a pageant girl, but because I was encouraged to and it seemed like fun. I ended up not even participating because of another commitment, but I produced a project to help Children’s Miracle Network and explored the possibility of working in PR for children and families like my sister.
Seems ideal right? Wrong. I prayed about it, took a step forward and the door was shut. In pursuing an internship for the upcoming summer, nothing came together right and instead of working at Children’s Hospital in Birmingham, I did something completely different.
I’ve always had a love for politics. However, I thought the Lord shut that door shortly after freshman year because every way that I could’ve gotten involved in politics on a college level conflicted with Capstone, my first commitment and something that he had very clearly ordained (another story for another time). But Spring Break of junior year, He opened a window. I randomly ended up volunteering with U.S. Congressman Bachus’ campaign, and long story short, LITERALLY ended up with an internship that fell into my lap. Again, it was very clearly God ordained, (yet another story for another time).
When I got there, I felt for sure that the Lord wanted me there upon graduation. Who knows, maybe He still does, but I have no current plans to move there. He works in mysterious ways, so who am I to try to understand? All I know is that trip was very important. The Lord yanked me up from Alabama and put me there without me having any intention of going. I fell in love with the city and its people. I feel like I will be there at one point in my life. I’m just not sure when.
Well, here we are a year later, the big DC climax without an epic ending or special twist. It’s like I was on a roller coaster just at the top of the hill, about to go down, and then it broke.
I still have no idea what’s going on. I have another internship coming up this summer, and yes I’m excited, but it’s just an internship. I’ve applied to graduate school…. they have yet to get back with me. I am literally at a standstill.
While I have peace about it all, (and I mean that like as in the “still waters run deep” kind of peace, but my emotions still take over, because I have not scrimped on the freak out sessions lately.. like once every day at least), I am just trying to keep the mentality of living in the present, as scripture calls us to (Mat. 6:34, Psalm 118:24).
It’s hard y’all. So much easier said than done. I can’t tell you where I’m going much further than past July, and I DEFINITELY can’t give you exact dates past this Saturday. People listen to me and look at me as though I’m crazy when I say “Nope I don’t have any plans, just waiting and seeing!” *queue fake smile while quietly shuddering on the inside*. It’s a daily battle to keep calm. I have no idea what I’m doing and it’s okay because JESUS. He gave me a miracle with my internship in DC last year, and He’ll do it again this year with something else. Who cares if I’m not blah blah cum laude blah (it’s only a number), who cares if I’m not engaged, who cares if I’m not going to law school, who cares if I don’t have a job. I have given Him my life. It is in His hands and all you just wait and see what He does with me.
I’ll tell you what I do have right now. I have Jesus. I have an incredible family. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I even have a pretty great boyfriend (which I never fathomed being possible ever, and especially at this point in my life). He is providing.
So there’s my story. I will continue to update, but now you have my background. I may be stuck at the top of the roller coaster, but He is still in control. And His love never fails.
Hopefully some of that helped you, whatever you happen to be looking for. If anyone is even reading.